Footprints(tm)

I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Verizon guy.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed

that during the low periods of my life,

when the lure of technology failed me,

and I couldn't download that critical email,

or use my phone's GPS to pinpoint my location

and I was lost in a maze of twisty passages, all alike

looking at the sand, I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Verizon guy,
"You promised me, Verizon guy
that if I followed you into the land
of the $49.99 unlimited data plan
you would walk with me always,
and that you would "hear me now."
But I have noticed that during
the most trying periods of my life,
when I couldn't reach my gmail,
And map tiles were not forthcoming,
there have only been one
set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most,
have you not been there for me?"

The Verizon guy replied,

"The times when you have

seen only one set of footprints,

and felt so terribly disconnected

is when I forgot to throttle bittorrent.

You can switch providers, but remember

There's still nine months left on your contract."

Amen

Banned (password) poetry corner

Twitter's list of banned passwords is embedded in the source of their signup page...search for BANNED_PASSWORDS.

[It's interesting that both "iloveyou" and "tequiero" made the list.]


Poetry ingredients: 100% banned passwords, plus punctuation.

Ode to Joe Jackson:

jennifer, jennifer, helpme
jennifer, jennifer, iwantu
jennifer, jennifer, iloveyou
8675309, 8675309

Life of a Roadie:

testing, testing, 123123, (marlboro)
testing, testing, 123123, (marlboro)
testing, testing, fucking guitar, (midnight!)
(marlboro, marlboro) whatever, asshole, (marlboro)
suckit, michael jackson, fuckyou slayer
testing, testing, success!
zzzzzz

Real football:

america: raiders, eagles, packers, dolphins, dallas cowboys, redskins, broncos.
canada: whatever.
london: chelsea? arsenal gunners? united? please. (soccer pussies)
america: jaguar, panther, gators/bulldog/orange/knight (college)... winner!

Route 66 (21st century edition)

phoenix, austin, dallas, chicago, newyork, boston, (swimming), london, (swimming), russia, (swimming), sydney, (swimming), brazil...

Brokeback haiku:

sierra mountain
welcome cowboys! fishing...aaaaaa
fucking? 000000...trouble.

British Royalty:

george, dragon slayer
...whatever...
edward, charles, george, george (biteme, america. freedom?)
...whatever...
prince charles/princess, prince charles/mistress?
prince badboy, princess fucked, prince freedom
...
prince william?

Whine pairings:

rainbow/sunshine
superman/batman
monica/rachel
victor/victoria
angels/america
baseball/football
biteme/blowme
123456/654321
bond007/trustno1
driver: porsche/ferrari/camero/corvette/mercedes/saturn/toyota...harley
startrek/starwars (ncc1701/thx1137)

The Made Men and the Crying Game (Mike Judge meets David Mamet):

beavis: fuckyou, sparky
butthead: fuckme? fuckyou, asshole
beavis: fuckme? fuckyou, mother fucker
butthead: danielle, please
beavis: hooters? blowme!
danielle: blowjob?
beavis: letmein, bigtits
000000....bigdick cumming, bigdick cumming,
(hardcore cumshot)....danielle!
butthead: daniel.
beavis: daniel?
daniel/danielle: daniel.
beavis: daniel? fuckme!
daniel/danielle (killer): fuckyou! (hammer, hammer, hammer)
beavis: aaaaaa...helpme
butthead: fuckyou, sparky

The next seven dwarves (starting with "s")

scooby, skippy, smokey, spanky, sparky, sticky, stupid

Source:
twttr.BANNED_PASSWORDS = ["000000","111111","11111111","112233","121212","123123","123456","1234567","12345678","123456789","131313","232323","654321","666666","696969","777777","7777777","8675309","987654","aaaaaa","abc123","abc123","abcdef","abgrtyu","access","access14","action","albert","alberto","alexis","alejandra","alejandro","amanda","amateur","america","andrea","andrew","angela","angels","animal","anthony","apollo","apples","arsenal","arthur","asdfgh","asdfgh","ashley","asshole","august","austin","badboy","bailey","banana","barney","baseball","batman","beatriz","beaver","beavis","bigcock","bigdaddy","bigdick","bigdog","bigtits","birdie","bitches","biteme","blazer","blonde","blondes","blowjob","blowme","bond007","bonita","bonnie","booboo","booger","boomer","boston","brandon","brandy","braves","brazil","bronco","broncos","bulldog","buster","butter","butthead","calvin","camaro","cameron","canada","captain","carlos","carter","casper","charles","charlie","cheese","chelsea","chester","chicago","chicken","cocacola","coffee","college","compaq","computer","consumer","cookie","cooper","corvette","cowboy","cowboys","crystal","cumming","cumshot","dakota","dallas","daniel","danielle","debbie","dennis","diablo","diamond","doctor","doggie","dolphin","dolphins","donald","dragon","dreams","driver","eagle1","eagles","edward","einstein","erotic","estrella","extreme","falcon","fender","ferrari","firebird","fishing","florida","flower","flyers","football","forever","freddy","freedom","fucked","fucker","fucking","fuckme","fuckyou","gandalf","gateway","gators","gemini","george","giants","ginger","gizmodo","golden","golfer","gordon","gregory","guitar","gunner","hammer","hannah","hardcore","harley","heather","helpme","hentai","hockey","hooters","horney","hotdog","hunter","hunting","iceman","iloveyou","internet","iwantu","jackie","jackson","jaguar","jasmine","jasper","jennifer","jeremy","jessica","johnny","johnson","jordan","joseph","joshua","junior","justin","killer","knight","ladies","lakers","lauren","leather","legend","letmein","letmein","little","london","lovers","maddog","madison","maggie","magnum","marine","mariposa","marlboro","martin","marvin","master","matrix","matthew","maverick","maxwell","melissa","member","mercedes","merlin","michael","michelle","mickey","midnight","miller","mistress","monica","monkey","monkey","monster","morgan","mother","mountain","muffin","murphy","mustang","naked","nascar","nathan","naughty","ncc1701","newyork","nicholas","nicole","nipple","nipples","oliver","orange","packers","panther","panties","parker","password","password","password1","password12","password123","patrick","peaches","peanut","pepper","phantom","phoenix","player","please","pookie","porsche","prince","princess","private","purple","pussies","qazwsx","qwerty","qwertyui","rabbit","rachel","racing","raiders","rainbow","ranger","rangers","rebecca","redskins","redsox","redwings","richard","robert","roberto","rocket","rosebud","runner","rush2112","russia","samantha","sammy","samson","sandra","saturn","scooby","scooter","scorpio","scorpion","sebastian","secret","sexsex","shadow","shannon","shaved","sierra","silver","skippy","slayer","smokey","snoopy","soccer","sophie","spanky","sparky","spider","squirt","srinivas","startrek","starwars","steelers","steven","sticky","stupid","success","suckit","summer","sunshine","superman","surfer","swimming","sydney","tequiero","taylor","tennis","teresa","tester","testing","theman","thomas","thunder","thx1138","tiffany","tigers","tigger","tomcat","topgun","toyota","travis","trouble","trustno1","tucker","turtle","twitter","united","vagina","victor","victoria","viking","voodoo","voyager","walter","warrior","welcome","whatever","william","willie","wilson","winner","winston","winter","wizard","xavier","xxxxxx","xxxxxxxx","yamaha","yankee","yankees","yellow","zxcvbn","zxcvbnm","zzzzzz"];

Simple, easy, and obvious considered harmful

There's a standard university story that goes something like this:

A math/science instructor is deriving a complicated formula on the blackboard. Each
step gets increasingly, hideously convoluted, until the instructor boldly states: 

"From here, it is obvious that..."

And writes down a radically simpler formula, seemingly unrelated to any of the previous steps. Upon finishing, the instructor pauses. His eyes dart up to the tangled mess of the previous step, then down to its far-too-distant cousin. The students wait to commit this deus ex machina to their notes, as the instructor, his writing hand still elevated, furrows his brow. 

He starts to speak, then catches himself. He looks away from the board, then back again.  He begins pacing back and forth in front of the board, examining it from different angles.  Suddenly and without a word, he walks out of the room, as the students sit in befuddled silence. Should they leave? Should they wait? After a minute, he bursts back in, and continues:

"Yes, this is obvious. Moving on..."

This happened to me exactly once during my university days. It was an entertaining professor who enjoyed the occasional theatrical moment...but he was also a darn good teacher, and a few minutes later, he rewound the lecture and derived the magical step (with several blackboards full of formulas), and all was right in the world.

In my life as a software engineer, I read a lot of documentation.  In that domain, instead of the word "obvious" (which reads as "obvious-to-me-and-if-it-isn't-obvious-to-you-then-this-so-called-documentation-will-be-utterly-useless-to-you") writers substitute the word "easy" or "simple":

It is easy to foo a bar using BazLibrary.  You simply use the qux() method.

Well, of course it's easy and simple for the writer, whose full-time job is working on the BazLibrary and may even be one of its developers.  And it truly might be easier and simpler than the OtherBazLibrary that causes contractors to raise their rates.  But it has 50% more words and 0% more helpful content than this version:

To foo a bar using BazLibrary, use the qux() method.

Words like easy and simple and obvious are like Ding-Dongs...they're the empty calories of the documentation world.

Exercise for the reader: search for occurrences of the words easy/easily, simple/simply, and obvious/obviously in your code/documentation.  Are any of them necessary?  How many you can simply remove or easily edit  to obviously avoid these filler words?